My oldest daughter, Kandy, was on spring break a couple of weeks ago. She and my youngest have separate breaks so Kandy and I got to spend some fun time together. One morning we went to the park and I walked while she rode her bike. Afterwards, we headed to the grocery store, both in a good mood.

She said, “Mommy can I get something at the store that I don’t usually get to have?”

I said, “Like what?”

“I don’t know yet,” she said. “When I see it I’ll know.”

So, I said yes. I now see she how she took full advantage of my good mood. At the store we were up and down the aisles, gathering everything on my list. We ended up on an aisle with all the Little Debbie snack foods: powdered and chocolaty donuts, cream-filled oatmeal cookies, tubes of cake covered in pink coconut. Kandy pipes up, “Like this, Mommy, can I have this?” She held up a box of Little Debbie cupcakes.

I sighed. “Kandy, really?” I said.

“Please, Mommy, just this once.” At that moment, I had a flashback of my childhood: I was my mom and Kandy was me. I begged for Cookie Crisp cereal, made the same pleas Kandy was making now. The desire, the disappointment when I was told no. I took the box and dropped it in the basket, muttering, I can’t believe I am buying this crap.

We were happy. We checked out and on the way to the car she asked, “Can we have one now?” It was like she had some treasure and couldn’t wait to taste it.

Now, I feel I must state for the record that I am by most measures, not ultra “granola” with my kids. I do try to limit their sugar and sweets and we don’t do candy. Also, with Kassi’s speech and autism related issues we are on a no wheat no dairy diet. We don’t eat a lot of junk food. But here, compared with most of my friends, I am sort of “granola”.

I was feeling rebellious. Indulgent. We ate one right there in the parking lot. I think Kandy felt a little like Charlie from Willie Wonka when he first opened the chocolate bar and stuffed it in his mouth. Me, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had a Little Debbie cupcake. I used to love that kind of thing, but I didn’t trust my memory of what it would taste like. I chewed.

“Oh, Kandy,” I said.

“What?”

“This might be the most delicious thing I’ve ever tasted.”

She smiled knowingly. “I know,” she said.

Fast forward to dinner that night. At the table and my husband asked, “Did you girls have fun today? What did you do?”

Barely looking up from her plate, Kandy said, “Mom bought me some crap at the grocery store.”

I looked up. “What did she say?”

Kirk smiled. “What you think she said.”

Katelyn was trying hard not to laugh because she wasn’t sure if she should – yet. Then I busted out laughing. Kandy looked up. “What?” she said. “You did. You know–those little cupcakes?”

“I know. I was just trying to save the last of that crap for us.”

And so I did. After dinner, the whole family enjoyed a little crap for dessert.

Ok, so my house is on the market. We are trying to move to California. My husband’s job is out there so it makes it a little hard to do the job from here in Texas. Which is why he is gone a lot and I get to bitch about it. We have been discussing moving for about three years now, and seriously after A LOT of talking and going back and forth we have decided to go. So, we went ahead and listed our house in February.

It has been about 6 weeks now and the house has shown FOUR times. Um…that is unacceptable to me. I need this house to sell. I know markets are sucking everywhere, but I just knew we would be different.

After so much turmoil over this move we are ALL ready to go and now I feel like we are going to be stuck. I know it hasn’t been that long on the market, but we have had so little traffic. My mother told me to “visualize the house selling, picture your new house, see it and believe it.” As she was talking I was thinking to myself, “Well, I have visualized you normal and sane over the last two years and that hasn’t worked,” so I’m not putting a lot of stock into her theory.

Anyway. I am just frustrated. I am a planner and I feel like I can’t plan until something happens with my house. It’s a nice house in a nice neighborhood. Just yesterday I sat down to work on this post and looked out my window and saw a man riding his horse up my street. Not kidding. I do live in “hickville”, but even so, for this neighborhood, a guy on a horse clip-clopping up the street is a little strange. Kinda funny, but strange. By the way, when I left a short time later he was ridin’ home.

All this to say, maybe somebody wants a vacation home in Kerrville Texas? We do have a nice river.

No? Okay. Well, just send us positive thoughts and good vibes but regardless, California, here we come.

Deb, over at stupidmommy, tagged me for my first meme. I really don’t know what that word means, or why this is called a “meme”. Anways, here we go.

1.) I can’t believe I’ve never…

Well, for starters, I can believe I have never done a lot of things. I am kinda a fraidy cat.

2.) Every time I think about…I still cringe.

Let’s see, sometimes when I think about some of the guys I dated I cringe. Actually I laugh more than I cringe, but some do make me cringe. God must really love me to bless me with such a wonderful husband after some of the losers I chose.

3.) I wish I’d…when I had the chance.

This one is easy – finished college. I know I can go back now and I plan to, it is just a little more difficult. I am older with a family and all that goes with that. I wish I had known what I wanted to do or that it didn’t really matter that I didn’t know as long as I finished.

4.) I have never felt so out of place as when I’m… bloggin and putting it out there.

5.) …is my guiltiest pleasure. I will admit, but only if no one judges…The Hills on MTV.

6.) I hope…knows how grateful I am for…

I hope my husband knows how grateful I am for his support. He works a lot and is gone quite a bit, but in return he really helps when he is here and he tries to give me a break whenever I need it. If I want to go to Austin and celebrate a friend’s marriage he is more than happy to keep the kids. On the same note, if I want to go to Austin and celebrate a friend’s divorce he is more than happy to stay with our girls. This may not seem big to some but believe it or not I have friends whose husbands would not.

7.) In my darkest hours, I secretly blame… fo my dysfunction.

I blame myself most of the time. Seriously, I am probably too hard on myself but I feel that only I am responsible for me.

8.) …changed my life forever.

That is easy. My children. My girls make me feel every emotion ten times over. I have never felt such love, fear, frustration, happiness, pride and even anger as I feel about those two. They make me laugh and cry and I wouldn’t trade anything in this world to not be their mother. My heart walks around this earth out of my body in the form of two precious little girls.

Okay, that’s it. Lets see I don’t know who to tag. How about aaryn, euphrosyne, and my sister. Please don’t link back to me if you do the meme–for the time-being I’m trying to keep this under the family radar.

So, I went and voted on Tuesday and was very happy to do so. However, I was amazed and ashamed at the amount of people I knew who did not vote. Several of my friends acted like it wasn’t a big deal, “it is just the primaries” one said. So, I said “okay, but if you are unhappy with the candidates DO NOT COME BITCHING TO ME!” Seriously, I think I need some new friends (lol). They probably didn’t think it was a big deal because they were going to vote Republican anyway. Again, I need new friends. As I was in line to get my ballot the nice election lady asked me if I was coming back to the caucus tonight at 7:15. My immediate response was “no”. I have to be honest and say I don’t really know what the caucus is and I didn’t really want the nice election lady to know I was ’stupid’, so I just said no real fast. After some thought I decided that acting like I knew but actually didn’t know was the ’stupid’ thing to do. I am trying to not be as self conscious about my inadequacies – so I asked. She tried to explain it to me in a couple of minutes because there was a line behind me. I still didn’t get it but told them I would come back. I thought it was important so I decided I would come back and just bring the girls with me because my husband was out of town. Again.

Fast forward to that night. I ran home from dinner at a friends house, bathed my girls, put them in their pajamas, and loaded up and headed over the caucus feeling pretty proud of myself. I should have known then that things would not go smoothly. There was no parking, it was cold, they were running late, and the line was out the door. Great for the caucus, bad for the mother with two small children with wet, clean hair who are usually getting in bed at this time. So, I waited. And waited. My children were clinging to me, then rolling on the ground, then fighting with each other, then crying, then taking all kinds of papers off the tables. So…I left and felt disappointed in myself, again. To add to my disappointment Kandy was really upset because she was looking forward to “voting”. I had tried to explain earlier to her the voting process and elected officials which was funny because I am way limited in my knowledge of the whole process. She called me a “giver-upper” and it hurt a little. Now, remember she is 6. So, I promised her that when the big election happened in November that I would bring her to vote with me no matter what. Thankfully, that seemed to please her for the moment. She did ask me who I voted for and I told her ” a lady named Hillary Clinton”. She looked at me with a kind of disdainful face and said “you should have voted for someone else…like Sacajawea.”

Yesterday afternoon we were in the car and this was the conversation that took place. I need to say that my girls love each other, but Kandy, my 6 year-old, really just tolerates her sister. She kind of treats Kassi like a pet most of the time. So, this was funny to me and I wanted to share.

Kandy says, “Kassi, say Kitty.”

So, Kassidy repeats almost absentmindely, “KiTTy.”

Kandy then continues with “Saaayy, ‘no scratch the chair kitty.’” Kassidy obeys, saying, “KiTTy no scratch chair.”

Then, “Kassi, say, ’silly kitty.’”

Kassidy is looking out the window and just repeating without a care in the world everything her big sister tells her, “Si-yy-y KiTTy.”

Kandy tells me, “Mom, I am helping her.”

This goes on for a little bit, Kandy telling her to say something and Kassi happily obliging her. Then, I hear this: “Kassi say wheat.”

“Wheat.”

“Kassi say dairy.”

“Dawy.”"

“Kassi say, ‘Kassi cannot eat wheat or dairy.’”

Silence. She must have lost her at that point because Kassidy just stares out the window. I am, however, laughing a little to myself and Kandy says, “Mom, does Kassi know what ‘diet’ means?”

“Probably not, Babe.”

“I am helping her, Mom, right?”

“Right, Kandy, you are.”

So…who’s out there. This is my first post and I am trying to figure it all out. My sister has been blogging for a long time now and I have been reading her posts along with some she has linked to. There seems to be this whole world out there in the “blogosphere” and I am pretty darned excited to come in.

So, I guess I should start with a few particulars about me. I am married with 3 kids, one of which came with the husband. We have all girls ages 15, 6, and 3. I stay home with them and take care of everything on the home front. I guess I am a “housewife”. I hate that word by the way. I had to let out a little sigh as I wrote it because that is not really how I see myself. I guess I just see it as a wife and mother, but really there is no difference. I always thought that is what I wanted to do, but as of late I am wanting more.

I love my kids and am grateful to be with them but I need to do something for me. I actually want to go school. I never finished college and it has been nagging at me for a long time. I could possibly be the oldest freshman in the world. Anyway, moving on. I live in small town texas and have all my life. This particular small town I did not grow up in, but the town I did grow up in is just down the road a piece.

My husband works a lot and travels a lot so I am left to tend quite a bit on my own. I love my kids something terrible. They make me crazy and keep me sane all at the same time. My youngest has a neurological language delay and is on a GFCF (gluten free casein free) diet. They tell me is is a form of autism. She can communicate well with me, but if you were to walk up to her on the street you wouldn’t understand what she is saying. It has been difficult because it has really interfered with her relationship with her sisters and other playmates. She also has some sensory issues, i.e. no movie theatres, no loud music, no large crowds, etc. I have managed and done most of the research myself. I am sure my husband would disagree, but he is not here so ha!

There is no whole foods where I live or grocery store that you would find a lot of GFCF stuff in so you have to order food online and make treks into the nearest city with said store. Did I mention that she is a really picky eater? Yea – it supposedly comes with the autism and sensory dysfunction. So trying to find quick and easy snacks for a 3 year old who really lived on Dora yogurt and string cheese is kinda hard. We have made great progress though after about 5 months. She is doing better.

My days pretty much consist of taking kids to school, picking kids up, going to speech therapy, picking kids up again, sometimes activities at school, grocery store, bills to be paid, laundry to be done, house to be picked up, and dogs to be cared for. My step-daughter is no picnic either. She has so many issues that I don’t really know where to begin. We get a long great and I try to be someone she can come to and a parent.

Her mother just came out to her this year, but we have all known for a long time that she is gay. She has kept it hidden and denied it for a long time. She is now in a great relationship and plans on moving to Europe with her partner. My stepdaughter (SD) has had a real hard time with this. Not because her mom is gay but because she has known all along and her mom lied to her. Her mom has not told her family either or has not told SD that she is moving to Europe. Did I mention that my husband is gone a lot?

SD is hurting and I seem to be the only one of the three of us that gets it and understands that we ALL have to act and keeping secrets from her is not the best answer. I love her like my own and am really worried for her future. She is not successful at school, her choice, and she is way to interested in boys. She has already had sex and wears to much make-up. I am trying to adress all of these things and really kinda by myself.

My middle daughter is amazing. She is smart, funny, and determined. She amazes me on a daily basis. I sometimes fear that she is lost in all of the other stuff. I hope not. I do the best I can. Oh! and up until December my 18 year old nephew on my huband’s side was living with us. Did I mention that my husband is gone a lot?

The reason I started this was at the insistence of my sister and her friend, whom she met on the internet blogging. I am hoping I can make some really cool friends like that and if anyone has any advice on anything please give it. I also did it because my husband and I are moving to Northern California. His work is there. He runs residential treatment centers and all of them are now on the northwest coast. So, it would indeed cut down on the travel. My mom lives there so I would have some family. Really I am so ready to go right now. Had I started this 3 months ago it would have been a different story. I needed a little time to adjust. I have never lived anywhere but Texas and have always wanted to. The cost of living is a little scary, but I know we will be okay.

So, I guess that is me – kinda. I am not promising proper grammar or punctuation, but I really need an outlet, folks, and this is it. What do you say, can I come in?